lucas

Hands full, you will realise that there are still more room for millions of tiny little things in your heart after childbirth. That little heartbeat, those small hands, small feet.

June 05, 2014. I gave birth in Manila. That was the most beautiful pain. The night before, I had severe pelvic pains and they got worse when I woke up. I timed contractions after contractions. It was noon, the sun above our heads and there were thunders. I took a shower. Minutes after, I told my family that I think it is time. 2.00 pm. I was 4 cm dilated when I got admitted. The waiting time began. 4.00 pm. The nurses pulled my bed to the labor room and the pain was like fire that I cannot blow out. I tried to extinguish it with reading but the words spun themselves into a headache. I asked the nurse several times to let my husband in only to send him out every time. I felt at sea. They attached a belt on my waist and while I fear I cannot take the pain no longer, I watched his heartbeat scribble on the heart monitor. One day I thought, he will learn to write mama. 7 cm. and it still felt like forever. 5.30 pm. The doctor came in and I knew again, that it was time. She had to break my water well. Then, I was moved to a bed that sent shivers to my spine. That moment was on me. I have waited for that moment for months and I never felt ready. They dragged my bed into the delivery room. I was told what to do. I tried for so many times, I pushed and pushed. I cannot remember their faces, I tried so hard. I felt scared. Several times I thought he was finally coming before I felt really exhausted. The doctor asked me to push one last more, with all that i could give. I have been told that she almost had your head but you weren't descending properly. I felt scared. past 6.00 pm. They called my lover in. He signed the waiver. I had to be cut. They suspected that something was not right. 6.22 pm. I felt like a feather, they pulled him out, his cord coiled around his neck. I had to ask them several times if he was fine. If he was just the right size. If he was a healthy little boy. I was sent to the recovery room. I refused to rest. My limbs felt like branches of a dead tree. I cannot feel anything but my heart kept telling me I have to see his little round face. Over and over, I asked about him. Over and over they answered back, he was sound asleep. It was like a dream or a different place and I am still not ready but I am certain that I feel like a different person. He grew like a hungry little wolf inside my tummy and after he was born, I thought, he will never stop growing in my heart.