we love: homemade patterns

 

created with Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator, Wacom Bamboo CTH 470

secrets I

I've been trying to keep it as a secret— that I am 4, 293 miles away from little heart, my son. it makes me feel sad whenever I try to write about it. it makes it more tangible, more real.

I had to give birth in Manila. I had to leave my less than one month old baby to my family. If you know how it hurts, if you know how I wish to turn the world around. If you know the reasons why we have to go through this you will know how painful it is to put these thing into words. 

Documents. Forms. Records. Strange paperwork. Painful processes wasteful of time. Every little step accomplished I feel a day closer to my son. I feel like I am growing feathers to fly back home and finally kiss his soft cheeks.

I watch him grow everyday from a screen. I hear him giggle and coo in 4 hour time difference.

It feels like years pressed into months. I wish to feel tired arms from carrying, heavy head from sleepless nights. 

It won't be long and we will be the small family of three that we were, for sure all of these will be worth it. Every time together will be precious. Life will be full of love and sweet baby scent again.

we eat: dragon fruit

if you haven't tried them, i'd say you have to. where they are from adds to the wonder too. 

it is a fruit of a cactus.

we love: typo

1 fly fly away travel journal, 2 cardboard stag head better than taxidermy!, 3 bell jar, 

4 pineapple jar (for the cookies i am learning to bake), 5 chalk board paint 

(which promises to turn most surfaces into a chalk board) 6 tassel garden

we visited typo at level 2, deira city center.

we eat: tomatillos

life's little surprises. :) sweet and healthy.

we love: bargain finds at M&S

1 lemon drops, 2 red thai curry sauce that i am so excited to use, 3 black currant juice,

4 almond cookies so good i am finishing the last one as i write this

we visited marks and spencer, deira city center

we eat: SALAD A

we thought we have to name all of our salad combinations, but for shorter and easier references, let us just take the alphabet. we always have ready salad throw-ins at home for easy dinners and breakfasts. we eat really heavy lunches. n never liked raw vegetable salad, unless they are authentic filipino salad recipes which we call ensalada. he doesn't like creamy dressing. it started when i made him a very small portion of tabbouleh, i discovered he can eat my salads only if it is dressed in lemon juice seasoned with lots of salt and pepper. i like ranch, honey mustard, italian and recently avocado and garlic dressing (taylor's brand from carrefour, so good that i have to get the exact recipe).

salad a

romaine lettuce, peaches, pomegranate, parsley and lemon to squeeze in (for n's version), 

avocado and garlic dressing for me, salt and pepper

we eat: secrets fine food

it feels wonderful to find an online gourmet grocery who delivers healthy fine food to your doorstep, and i if i have to be very particular, my order came on the perfect time, in a perfect packaging with a sweet little note from the grocer. they have a huge selection of artisan products from around the world.
they make for pretty presents too, you can even select products and set them up in a hamper. everyone loved the tea infusions in silk bags.

our favourites:

1 strawberry jam, France / 2 amaretti in vintage box, Italy / 3 tea infusers sampler, USA / 4 soft amaretti, Italy

SECRETS FINE FOOD

sweet cheap mornings

we love parks. the smell of fresh cut grass is a perfect backcloth for a good breakfast on a picnic mat. this city has a fair share of beautiful parks to explore and we have visited almost all of them. we have what we call the regular day parks, which are the ones closest to where we live and the farther ones that we still like to go back to every now and then.

n and i spend almost every friday and saturday morning at the neighbourhood park. we jog for several rounds by the water and of course i always finish first (or rather get tired first) to spread the breakfast picnic mat and lie down while i wait for him after i set up the food. i let the sun kiss my face. he does that everyday and i am thankful for that (for the love, nuts, bread and bananas too).

lucas

Hands full, you will realise that there are still more room for millions of tiny little things in your heart after childbirth. That little heartbeat, those small hands, small feet.

June 05, 2014. I gave birth in Manila. That was the most beautiful pain. The night before, I had severe pelvic pains and they got worse when I woke up. I timed contractions after contractions. It was noon, the sun above our heads and there were thunders. I took a shower. Minutes after, I told my family that I think it is time. 2.00 pm. I was 4 cm dilated when I got admitted. The waiting time began. 4.00 pm. The nurses pulled my bed to the labor room and the pain was like fire that I cannot blow out. I tried to extinguish it with reading but the words spun themselves into a headache. I asked the nurse several times to let my husband in only to send him out every time. I felt at sea. They attached a belt on my waist and while I fear I cannot take the pain no longer, I watched his heartbeat scribble on the heart monitor. One day I thought, he will learn to write mama. 7 cm. and it still felt like forever. 5.30 pm. The doctor came in and I knew again, that it was time. She had to break my water well. Then, I was moved to a bed that sent shivers to my spine. That moment was on me. I have waited for that moment for months and I never felt ready. They dragged my bed into the delivery room. I was told what to do. I tried for so many times, I pushed and pushed. I cannot remember their faces, I tried so hard. I felt scared. Several times I thought he was finally coming before I felt really exhausted. The doctor asked me to push one last more, with all that i could give. I have been told that she almost had your head but you weren't descending properly. I felt scared. past 6.00 pm. They called my lover in. He signed the waiver. I had to be cut. They suspected that something was not right. 6.22 pm. I felt like a feather, they pulled him out, his cord coiled around his neck. I had to ask them several times if he was fine. If he was just the right size. If he was a healthy little boy. I was sent to the recovery room. I refused to rest. My limbs felt like branches of a dead tree. I cannot feel anything but my heart kept telling me I have to see his little round face. Over and over, I asked about him. Over and over they answered back, he was sound asleep. It was like a dream or a different place and I am still not ready but I am certain that I feel like a different person. He grew like a hungry little wolf inside my tummy and after he was born, I thought, he will never stop growing in my heart.